


Can't Help It

by gardenofmaris



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Emotionally Repressed, M/M, Misunderstandings, bones is an amazing friend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-16
Updated: 2015-07-16
Packaged: 2018-04-09 14:44:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4352900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gardenofmaris/pseuds/gardenofmaris
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spock doesn't handle emotions well, especially with a certain Captain</p>
            </blockquote>





	Can't Help It

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BobhasRainbowVeins](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BobhasRainbowVeins/gifts).



> HAPPY BIRTHDAY FROND!! I had this ready to post minutes before midnight, but then my phone died and now it's a couple minutes past midnight. But you know what, in the next time zone it's not midnight yet, so technically it's still your birthday (shhhhhh)

“Hold the door!”

Spock heard Jim call out to him as he entered the turbolift and simply held his hand out so that the sensors would refuse to let the doors close. Seconds later, Jim came barreling into the lift, sagging against the wall and trying to catch his breath. “Thanks Spock. You practically saved my life,” he managed to gasp out when the doors closed and they were moving.

He raised an eyebrow in question and Jim just laughed. “Scotty was after me. I helped him a couple of days ago over in engineering and now he wants me to clean Jefferies tubes with him.” He shook his head. “Nope. The Enterprise is my lovely lady, but honestly I just get so uncomfortable spending too long in such cramped spaces.”

Spock nodded. “Well then, Captain, I am glad to have been of service. I am sure that Mister Scott will not deign to follow you to your quarters in order to gain your assistance. However, he still may pursue you at a later time.”

“Even if that’s true, I’m just glad to have gotten out of there when I did. Usually I’m exhausted and cramping in places I didn’t know it was possible to cramp when Scotty is done with me. I honestly don’t know how he pulls it off, really.” He relaxed against the wall of the lift and closed his eyes before taking a deep breath and straightening up. Giving Spock a wide grin, he settled back into his casual stance. “So now that that’s done, how would you like to play some chess? I’ve been dying to match minds with you again since our last match.”

“If I may be so bold, Captain, you always say something along those lines when you propose chess.”

Kirk just smiled at him. “That’s because it still rings as true as the first time I said it, Mister Spock. It is, to use your term, fascinating to try and dissect your strategies and counter them.”

Spock nodded. “Very well. I would enjoy playing chess with you. Shall we go to the rec room as usual or would you prefer one of our quarters so that you may avoid Mister Scott?”

“You know what, Spock, you’re right. I’m glad I’ve got you around to point that out. Let’s go to my quarters. I have a 3D chess set in there.”

“Very well.” He inclined his head respectfully and Jim smiled back at him before the turbolift doors opened and they headed towards Jim's quarters.

They walked in companionable silence, Jim walking with a little skip in his step while his arms swung at his sides. Not too far from his room, Jim opened his mouth to say something and moved a hand up to gesture accordingly but as he did so his hand brushed up against Spock and he practically felt the electricity surge between them. His mouth stayed frozen open and an unintelligible sound escaped his mouth before he laughed nervously and yanked his hand away to rub at the back of his neck. “Uh, yeah, sorry about that. It was an accident.”

Spock's face became scarily blank and Jim felt his chest clench. “It is not a problem, Captain. However, it seems that I must go meditate in my quarters as I suddenly feel at a level that is suboptimal.”

Jim had to physically stop himself from reaching out towards Spock and nodded. His heart was halfway in his throat and he had to clear his throat to keep from letting it show in his voice. “Yeah that's fine. Can we do chess later then?”

Spock inclined his head once more. “We may, yes. When I am in a better state to play, I shall come to your quarters as we agreed. Is there a certain time in which you will be busy?”

Kirk shook his head. “No, unless there's an emergency I won't be needed on the bridge for the rest of the day.”

“Thank you for understanding, Captain.” Spock nodded politely at Jim. “I shall meet you in what I hope is a short manner of time.”

Jim nodded and smiled at Spock, the very expression feeling stiff on his face. “Sounds good.” He reached out to pat Spock on the back like he always did, but stopped short and pulled his hand back. “I never asked you, Spock. Is it actually okay when I touch you? I know that Vulcans are very reserved and I guess I never thought to ask whether or not you’re okay with me touching you.”

Spock didn’t smile, but his face softened considerably and Jim felt a twinge in his heartstrings. “I find that the act of you touching me is quite pleasurable, Captain. If I did not welcome your touch, I would have said so long ago. But thank you for being considerate of my wishes, even if you had forgotten for a while.”

Jim smiled, the movement feeling easier than before, and reached to pat Spock on the back the way he’d been planning on doing. “You’re a good First Officer, Spock. But you’re a much better friend. Thank you. I’ll be seeing you later, okay?”

Spock opened his mouth slightly, closed it, then seemed to reconsider and opened his mouth once more to say, “Call it a date, Captain.” He nodded respectfully once more before turning and walking in through his door, leaving a shell shocked Jim behind.

~ ~ ~

Jim was lounging on the couch in his room, eyes hooded as he drifted in and out of sleep. His mind was whirling, slowly moving from fantasy to reality. The result was an almost psychedelic haze of feelings both real and imagined: the cool air of the temperature controlled room, hands running through his hair in a soft and reverent manner, and a whisper or lips trailing up and down his jugular. When he closed his eyes, he could see Spock attached to that feeling, dark head moving up and down as his hand pushed the bottom of Jim's tunic up and the top of his waistband down. Logically, he knew that the hand roaming his body was his own, ready to let himself ride on the endorphin high of an orgasm or two, but it was nice to let himself think that it was Spock. It just made his breath that much faster and got his high just a little bit higher.

He had just wrapped his hand around his cock and was pumping it slowly to get himself fully hard when a knock sounded on his door, jolting him out of his self induced haze as he cursed under his breath. Closing his eyes for a moment, he willed his hard on down and got up to answer the door.

“Oh hey, Spock. Are you feeling better?” Jim smiled, reaching out to gently close his hand around his bicep before letting go and letting him into his cabin.

The corners of Spock's lips twitched and he nodded, walking in and accompanying Jim to the couch where they sat together. “Indeed, Captain. With intense meditation, I have returned to my optimal levels for operation and functionality.”

Jim smiled at Spock, reaching to the side and wheeling over the table that his 3D chess set sat on. “Black or white, Mr. Spock?”

Spock inclined his head respectfully. “I believe that it is your turn to choose, Captain.”

~ ~ ~

Jim hunched over the table, clutching his side fiercely as laughter wracked his body. “Spock, you didn't!”

“Indeed I did, Captain.” Spock's eyes shone with amusement as he watched Jim practically falling off the table in his mirth. “It is the Vulcan way to be as respectful as possible, but that does not mean that loopholes are unavailable. I simply utilized one of them.”

“You're ridiculously sassy for a Vulcan,” Jim gasped, finally calming down enough to rest his forehead against the wood of the table and catch his breath.

“I would not use the term 'sassy,' Captain, but I did exploit those loopholes often enough.” There was a twinge of what could be construed as pride in his voice, but Jim figured that picking up on those subtleties was something that came with prolonged exposure to the careful veiling of feelings that Spock was so apt at.

Jim looked up at Spock, crossing his arms on the table and resting his chin on them as he made eye contact with him. “Well I say that that's grounds to call you sassy.”

Spock raised an eyebrow at Jim in response and Jim just raised his right back. They stared at each other for a long few seconds, and they both could have sworn that in those moments, electricity crackled between them. Jim felt his hairs stand on end and his chest suddenly seemed tight as it became a tad bit harder to breathe. Spock felt his heart jump in its pulse multiple times and his stomach turn and twist the contents inside. Both knew that the feelings they were experiencing should have been far from pleasant, but there was just some sort of edge to them that didn't seem so painful.

Until the day they died, neither could tell who first kissed who. All they could say was that one moment they were staring each other down and the next Spock was pinning Jim down into the couch, hands pushed up Kirk's gold tunic and lips attacking Jim's lips, neck, and collarbone. Jim could only let out gasps and breathy moans, lungs tightening even more than before. He was completely unaware of any breaths that he took, but he was acutely aware of every breath Spock took: every whimper, gasp, and groan that escaped those sinful lips. They were few and in between but Kirk savored every single one and gave even more in return.

Spock knew that Jim was human and therefore he wouldn't be as attentive to details, but in the few moments he had let himself ponder over a fantasy of doing just this, he had always believed that he would drink in every single detail and memorize them. Later he would realize that in retrospect he had, but in the moment everything seemed like a whirling blur. One moment they had been kissing while fully clothed, and in the next they were both shirtless and Jim was working his pants and underwear off.

Jim wriggled out from underneath Spock and pulled the Vulcan with, pushing him into a sitting position and settling in between his spread legs. He licked his lips and reached out to touch Spock's gorgeous two headed cock, looking up to make sure it was okay.

Spock's eyes were blown wide and Jim would never forget the expression on his face, so open and hungry in a way that Jim had never seen before. When he nodded, Jim held back a whimper as he closed his hand around his flesh, taking in how soft it was, how hot, both in aesthetics and temperature, how hard it was. His hand moved up and down a couple of times before he let go and leaned down, opening his mouth and putting the first head in his mouth. Spock let out a small groan that went straight to Jim's cock. Jim felt long, nimble fingers thread into his hair and tug almost imperceptibly. In response, he moved his mouth down a little further. Meanwhile his hand had unbuttoned and unzipped his pants and he was palming himself through his boxers.

Spock felt the pleasurable sensation of Jim moaning around him and looked down through lust blown eyes to watch Jim hungrily. He sucked his bottom lip into his mouth and chewed on it to keep from making a sound every time Jim bobbed his head and he saw himself disappear into Jim's mouth then reappear.

His fingers dug harder into Jim's hair and, not too long later, he was coming hard. He hadn't had the forethought to warm Jim, but he didn't seem to mind, instead simply taking it in stride. Jim pulled off slowly and licked his oversensitive skin clean. As soon as he was done, Jim buried his face into Spock's thigh and bit down lightly, groaning as he did so. Spock felt a little bit of confusion before he looked down and saw Jim holding his cock in his hand, which was now covered in his own semen.

Jim crawled up onto the couch with Spock, letting himself fall back on the armrest and closing his eyes.”Amazing orgasms just have this way of intensifying amazing emotions, don't they?” He smiled, just focusing on catching his breath and letting his heart rate slow down, when, only minutes later, he was jolted to attention by the sound of the bathroom door slamming shut. His eyes snapped open and the first thing he saw was an empty spot where Spock was. He also noticed that Spock had taken his clothes with.

Immediately he walked over to the bathroom, knocking on the door. He heard many shuffling movements and a small thump that sounded like Spock had tripped and fallen into the wall. “Spock, are you okay in there? What's wrong?”

There were a few more shuffling sounds before the door opened. A disheveled Spock stood in the doorway, and his eyes roved over Jim's still exposed body once before he brought them up to Jim's face and slammed his emotionless mask over his longing expression. “I am fine. I apologize for worrying you, Captain.”

Jim bit his lip, looking down briefly then back up again before smiling tentatively at Spock. “I would hope that after that, you would call me Jim.”

Spock shook his head and opened his mouth, speaking slowly. “I apologize, Captain,” he repeated. “This could only have ever been a one time thing, as it was a mistake. However, I hope that it will not affect our personal relationship or, even more importantly, our professional relationship.”

Jim's face took on a devastated look and his heart shattered. “Excuse me?”

“I said, Captain, that this cannot happen again. It should have never happened in the first place.”

Kirk stared at Spock for a long, excruciating minute, chest tight just like before, but now with a sharp dagger of pain added. The pleasant facet of it was long gone. Eventually though, he nodded and swallowed. “I understand, Mr. Spock. I will see you tomorrow on the Bridge.”

Spock nodded. “I shall retire to my quarters now.” He turned and walked through the bathroom door that lead to his room and locked the door behind him.

~ ~ ~

Bones walked into his office, rubbing his face with weariness. It had been a long fucking day. Now, seeing what greeted him, he had the feeling that it was going to get a lot longer.

“Shit,” he growled, taking in the sight of Jim slumped over the bottle of Saurian brandy, having foregone the glass and just taking long guzzling drinks from the actual bottle. “What's wrong, Jim? Who do I have to kill?”

Jim's form shook once, a bitter laugh escaping him. “You took an oath, Bones. You can't kill anyone.”

He looked up at that moment and, oath or not, Bones was prepared to go on a killing spree when he saw Jim's red rimmed eyes and dried tear tracks staining his cheeks and making his face blotchy and red.

“Fuck.” He walked over to Jim and knelt in front of him, pulling Jim into a tight hug, Jim having to lean down many inches. “What happened?” he asked again.

He felt more than saw Jim's mouth open and close multiple times as he tried to speak. “Spock—“ was all he was able to get out before he cracked and burst into a fresh wave of tears escaped him. He fell out of the chair he was in and the bottle of brandy exploded around them, soaking them as Jim curled up in Bones' arms, face buried in his shoulder as he let out all of the emotion currently ripping through his body.

Bones felt a fury overtake him, and if it wasn't for the fact that Jim needed him more at that moment, he would be halfway to Spock's quarters with a hypo that could do a lot of damage. Instead, he pulled Jim as close as he could, rubbing his back and rocking them. He ignored the brandy he was sitting in, knowing that this particular outfit would probably be ruined but not caring. “What did that pointy eared hobgoblin bastard do?”

Fingers dug into Bones' shirt and a little bit into his skin. He payed no mind to it, instead focusing on massaging Jim's back to make it easier for him to breathe. His question had only made the sobs harder, and now Jim was practically gasping for air, loud sobbing hiccups filling the room. Bones sent up a quick prayer of thanks for whoever had decided to make his office sound proof. Jim would feel humiliated if anyone else heard his weakness, he knew.

“Shhh, shhh. It's okay, Jim. You don't have to tell me now. Just breathe. Let it out, but breathe. I don't want you to pass out on me. I'd have to take you out into Sickbay if you do, and I know you don't want anyone to see you like this.”

Jim's face burrowed up into McCoy's neck now and he nodded, taking in a deep breath and letting it out in a stuttering gasping sob. He repeated the action for many minutes, and Bones focused on just being there for him, until his breathing was semi back to normal. Breathing in was easy, but every time he breathed out, the breathing would come out in a series of shorter, staccato breaths with little broken sounds mixed in.

Bones simply rocked Jim some more until Jim's breathing was evened out almost completely. He felt Jim begin to pull away and, when they were fully separate, he helped Jim up. Jim swayed and began to fall, but Bones pulled him close again and lead him over to the couch he had in there. He laid Jim down and brushed Jim's hair out of his eyes.

“B'nes,” Jim slurred, looking up at McCoy through swollen eyes and making a grabby motion much like a toddler would.

Bones sighed and pat Jim's arm comfortingly. “There's no room on the couch for me.”

Jim shook his head in disagreement and lifted his head and part of his torso. Bones thought to himself that Jim must have been drinking for a while before he got to his office, because while Jim was tactile from day to day, he only got this affectionate with McCoy when he was plastered. Still, he sat in the spot Jim designated and began to pet Jim's hair when Jim placed his head in Bones' lap.

“Are you ready to tell me what happened now?”

Bones watched Jim tense and suck in a breath, but Jim nodded, so Bones prepared himself to not walk away and murder a certain green blooded son of a bitch.

~ ~ ~

Jim was laying on his bed not two hours after his shift was over, arm over his eyes to add an extra layer of protection from the world. He heard a knock on his door and groaned. Bones wasn't due for another hour, at least, but, then again, Jim figured, maybe he'd gotten free time earlier than he expected.

“Come in,” he called out.

He heard the door open but payed it no mind for a moment, until the last voice he wanted to hear at the moment gently called out, “Captain?”

Jim flung his arm from his eyes, bolting up immediately and sitting up in a flash. “What are you doing here? You made it quite clear yesterday that you don't want to be here, so why are you here?” The last thing he wanted to do was look at Spock, but he forced himself to make eye contact, banishing any and all memories of those same eyes looking at him with desire.

Spock looked back at him for only a fraction of a moment before he cast his eyes down, an inkling of shame flitting across his features. “I wanted to apologize for my actions yesterday.”

It took all Jim had not to start crying again when he was reminded again just how much Spock didn't want him. “Yes, I know. You already did that, when you said that it was a mistake.”

“I did not wish to apologize for engaging in coitus with you, rather the way I handled myself yesterday in pushing you away.”

Jim's eyes narrowed. “Explain,” he said coldly.

Spock swallowed hard. “Yesterday, when you settled on the couch after we had both achieved orgasm, you mentioned how an orgasm intensifies feelings. And I remembered, that as a Vulcan, I cannot give you what you need emotionally. I am stunted in that area, too used to pushing everything down and keeping it all locked up. Sometimes they are stronger than me, however. My affection and love for you are an example. In a way, I was both lying and telling the truth when I said that my feelings of friendship towards you cause me shame. Indeed, my feelings towards you cause me a great amount of shame, but they are far more than friendship. At that time, I merely said friendship because I did not yet know that I was madly in love with you. I know that know, however, and I am sorry that I ever made you feel otherwise.”

A large lump had made its way into Jim's throat. “How could you say that yesterday, that it was all a mistake, if you supposedly love me?” In that moment, he hated himself for the way that his voice broke on the word 'love.'

Spock walked forward to where Jim was still sitting on the bed and knelt in front of him. “I believed that it was in your best interest to not pursue a romantic relationship with you. I can never be what you want, what you need. My repression of my emotions makes me an inadequate candidate for a partner. I would have only hurt you if I had. Therefore, yesterday I tried to salvage my break in control and push you away so that I would not hurt you irreparably. However, after my recent meeting with McCoy, I learned that I had made a grievous mistake in doing so. I came to ask for your forgiveness and for a chance to heal the hurt I made. Please, Jim, let me at least try.”

Jim tried to nonchalantly brush away the few tears that had escaped him as Spock was speaking, but he failed miserably. He wanted so badly to tell Spock to fuck off, to go away and leave him alone, but he couldn't. He understood what it must have been like for Spock. He'd seen Spock back when he was crying over how he had not told his mother that he loved her. And dammit, he was head over heels for Spock.

If Spock's intent had been malicious in any way, Jim would have pushed Spock out of the door without a second glance. But he knew now that Spock had truly tried to do what he believed was best for Jim. And the past had taught him that Spock would learn with time to be more easy with his emotions.

So there was no question when he leaned down, pulled Spock's face up from looking at the floor, and kissed him with all the love that he could give.


End file.
